One contraband item in my house...anyone who is possession of said item will swab the poop deck! (argh!)

It’s no secret in this house that I can’t STAND when people chew with their mouths open. It’s even a running joke at times for the boys to take turns at the table eating like a cow. Another serious pet peeve of mine is  LOUD CHOMPING.  There are a couple of people in my house, that I kid you not, I want taken to the doctor and examined for proof that there is not a tiny megaphone surgically implanted in their mouths that they switch on when they are eating anything that they believe will make the most annoying chomping noises. And I honestly believe they only switch these megaphones on when they anywhere in the vicinity of me. Seriously!

I’ve got a running list of food that I never want to buy again because of the noise made while the guys are feverishly masticating their yummy finds from the cupboards or refrigerator. This list includes but is not limited to: Doritos, Tortilla chips, ANY KIND of cereal, ANY KIND of crackers, hard granola bars, apples, cucumbers, grapes, lettuce, ANY other kind of chip,  ANY kind of hard cookie (soft chew cookies are approved), hard taco shells, croutons, grape tomatoes, bacon (because they like it burned), chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (yes, one can make a noise other than “yum” while consuming this), hard candies of any kind, gum, garlic bread, egg rolls,  and ice. As you can guess, this list gets added to daily, and as I write, I am now adding yogurt to the list. I don’t know how, but a certain someone has just come to read over my shoulder eating peach yogurt and I could swear he was eating chunks of glass instead of spoonfuls of creamy yogurt. Well, there goes something else off the grocery list….

Basically my family will live off of mashed potatoes, warm drinks, vanilla ice cream, oatmeal, quesadillas (as long as they aren’t burned), pizza (except for my husband who has to eat it burned like a hockey puck), spaghetti, soft tacos (without lettuce), and soups without crackers until I can find where those mini megaphones are implanted and have them removed from my family members’ mouths.

Don’t worry, though, I’ll make sure everyone takes a daily vitamin so no one is lacking anything important—wait–they don’t have to chew those-DO THEY??