Wicked Witches HAVE to Like Snack Packs–Right??

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I am sure if the the Wicked Witch had someone to share a snack pack or two with, she wouldn't have been so wicked

“Mean People…”

    “Mean People. ”   This used to be my oldest son, ‘Mr. T’s,’ favorite phrase.  My mom actually taught it to him when he was about 18 months (thanks mom!).  We all thought it really cute when he spouted off  the phrase the first few times at the most inappropriate times……and I really thought it was absolutely hilarious when he the phrase wasn’t directed at me. The phrase stuck with him for a long while. In fact, I am pretty sure that was the single phrase that really sealed his fate on the ‘bad kid’ list with his second grade teacher in Germany. Didn’t really matter though, that lady was related to the Wicked Witch of the West, perhaps she was the Wicked Witch of the Northwest, and my kid with his ‘Flavor Flave’ attitude, was surely on her list of targets anyway. I often imagined her going through the students’ lunch boxes and backpacks during morning recess stealing all their desserts and afternoon snacks delighting in the hopes of making her students’ lunch time and school experiences really suck. I mean, what’s lunch time without a chocolate or vanilla snack pack? Billy Madison even needed one when he went back to school…those things rule!  In retrospect, we probably should have bribed the Wicked Witch with a school year’s supply of her favorite flavors of snack packs, because ‘Mr. T’s’   second grade year was a torturous learning experience for ALL of us.  Hmm…I wonder what happened to that woman?  Perhaps she retired, accepted a transfer, or maybe one day a Capri Sun juice bag was rigged to burst while she was nosily poking about in a child’s backpack and she just suddenly melted away?   The World Will Never Know….

Fact is, like I’ve taught my boys and like I’ve tried to teach each of my students, there ARE mean people out there in our world: people who constantly look for the ‘bad’ in every situation and in every person, people who don’t feel ‘good enough’ with who they are so they need to make others feel just as rotten as they do by spreading their negativity with mean actions, words, or behaviors, and there are some just plain miserable people.  I believe it is one our main goals in life not to become another one ofthose kinds of people.  SO… Your assignment if you choose to accept it, is to NEVER become one of those people….EVER. I know  what you’re going to ask—“Oh, Wise Ophelia, tell us your answer to how we all can forever remain in the “Positive People Posse?” It’s simple. Share a smile…those suckers are pretty contagious. If you live somewhere where you won’t get beat up for assisting someone with their hands full with their grocery cart, help them to their car…just don’t be all weird about it and make the person think you’re a serial killer or anything. Random acts of kindness…sounds cliché, but you really can make someone’s day by leaving an encouraging note on someone’s desk, pick up the baby shoe in the grocery store and look for a one-shoed baby; chances are the shoe matches, and instead of acting like you’re going to punch someone in the face when you two bump into each other on the sidewalk/store/wherever; say something kind and laugh it off—I mean is your shoulder dislocated? Volunteer. Be creative…and if all else fails……share a snack pack…after all, who can resist a snack pack??

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Good Mornin’ Darlin’: With a Show Like What I’m Treated To Each Morning, Who Needs Sleep Anyways?

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Yep...I am PRETTY sure THIS is what went dragging out of my room this morning with backpack in tow....

It’s no secret within  my circle of friends and family that I have some serious issues with sleep. In fact, sleep and I have an almost love/hate relationship the equivalent of Pepe Lepu and the evasive kitties he so affectionately and obsessively chased…only I am stinkin’ Pepe!  Ah! The mysteries of love…..yeah, well for me, I use the time awake to think of sick plots to make the boys’ lives as miserable as possible while they still live under the parental roof (at least that’s what they believe). In reality, I am almost ashamed to say, but since I am writing under complete anonymity, I will admit I lead an even sicker and boring life…..(drum roll, please)……I am addicted to old Tom and Jerry reruns and WordPop on my ipad. Hey, it could be worse, I could be eating Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia out of the carton while stuffing my face with last year’s Girl Scout Cookies that I just so happened to find at the bottom of the deep freezer (where I accidentally on purpose hid them from the bottomless pits) while walking on a treadmill wearing one of those plastic sweat producing suits….I’m just saying….

Okay, focus, Ophelia…

So, I have a friend who has little ones who wake up with the sun, well, not really……they wake up BEFORE the sun, but she has them almost trained not to make a lot of noise or roam the house until “it’s a nice day,” meaning until the sun is up….pretty cool idea. (Score one for MOM!)  And well, because they are little, she has to get up with them too…A mom can’t have little cookie monsters running through the house in undies with finger paints in one hand and little debbie snack cakes for breakfast in the other, ya know…..(DOY) Usually, my friend sends me funny facebook messages about what little Cookie Monster Girl or Miss Merry Sunshine has done in the morning because she knows that more than likely my eyelids were finally sewn closed by the tiny little sleep fairies that decided to have mercy on my family.

This particular day, however, my dear friend, Constance, was in for a treat! I was up at o’thirty in the morning and boy! was I in rare form. And I was up for a wonderfully colorful chat.  Why? Would one ask…The only way this can be described is by using the conversation itself:

Friend:  “Why are you up so early?? You haven’t been sleeping well the past few days.”

Me:  “UMMM…..water on-water off; tap, tap, tap; water on-water off; tap, tap, tap; drawer open-drawer close; dog tags and chain jiggle jiggle- jiggle…the sound of Velcro name tags and rank violently being removed from the uniform (SCCRRAATTCHHH about a trillion times)…drawer open-drawer closed; bed flounced upon and I was catapulted into the air as if I were on a half-filled waterbed whilst he commences to haphazardly yanked on his socks. Then, a loud announcement of, “Ophelia, Honey, I am only going to hug you because I have been sick and I have been up and down all night and I hope I didn’t keep you up.” (DOY!!!) Then the bedroom door is opened with so much force one would think the room was being searched by the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency……then the door is closed as if an angry teenager was told he couldn’t have the car keys to take his girlfriend to the movies.

Not to mention the door opened again not ten minutes later as if the police were bursting into the room to bring in America’s Most Wanted because he forgot his backpack. Let’s not begin to discuss the noise produced from the plastic closure and the strap on the bag being dragged across the floor before the pack was loudly heaved with a wheeze to his back and he walk out of the room dragging his feet like Quasimodo from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I suppose I am being rather dramatic with my descriptions, but with entertainment like this in the morning, there is absolutely NO WAY on Earth I would EVER attempt to try to sleep in.”

Friend:  (Laughing) “You have to write a book about this mess….It’s seriously funny (but not).”

Me:  “Yeah, I know. I should really write when I am in this mood–thing is, I never finish anything, so I’m pretty sure I’d piss my agent and my publisher off and get sued to repay the monies the publisher fronted me and my agent would have some sort of lawsuit to take my house, my dog, and my Ford Pinto from me……”

“…………Hey, is that my car being driven away??”

Hey, Would you Like a Bowl of Glass for Breakfast?

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One contraband item in my house...anyone who is possession of said item will swab the poop deck! (argh!)

It’s no secret in this house that I can’t STAND when people chew with their mouths open. It’s even a running joke at times for the boys to take turns at the table eating like a cow. Another serious pet peeve of mine is  LOUD CHOMPING.  There are a couple of people in my house, that I kid you not, I want taken to the doctor and examined for proof that there is not a tiny megaphone surgically implanted in their mouths that they switch on when they are eating anything that they believe will make the most annoying chomping noises. And I honestly believe they only switch these megaphones on when they anywhere in the vicinity of me. Seriously!

I’ve got a running list of food that I never want to buy again because of the noise made while the guys are feverishly masticating their yummy finds from the cupboards or refrigerator. This list includes but is not limited to: Doritos, Tortilla chips, ANY KIND of cereal, ANY KIND of crackers, hard granola bars, apples, cucumbers, grapes, lettuce, ANY other kind of chip,  ANY kind of hard cookie (soft chew cookies are approved), hard taco shells, croutons, grape tomatoes, bacon (because they like it burned), chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (yes, one can make a noise other than “yum” while consuming this), hard candies of any kind, gum, garlic bread, egg rolls,  and ice. As you can guess, this list gets added to daily, and as I write, I am now adding yogurt to the list. I don’t know how, but a certain someone has just come to read over my shoulder eating peach yogurt and I could swear he was eating chunks of glass instead of spoonfuls of creamy yogurt. Well, there goes something else off the grocery list….

Basically my family will live off of mashed potatoes, warm drinks, vanilla ice cream, oatmeal, quesadillas (as long as they aren’t burned), pizza (except for my husband who has to eat it burned like a hockey puck), spaghetti, soft tacos (without lettuce), and soups without crackers until I can find where those mini megaphones are implanted and have them removed from my family members’ mouths.

Don’t worry, though, I’ll make sure everyone takes a daily vitamin so no one is lacking anything important—wait–they don’t have to chew those-DO THEY??